20 February, 2007

Reports Indicate Pensacola Christian College Plans to Add Student Handbook to Canon

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA

The reports are unsubstantiated, but a number of sources have recently revealed some plans by the faculty and administration of Pensacola Christian College that come as a shock to many.

"The administration and faculty have been, for the last two years, planning to make the P.C.C. Student Handbook an official part of the Bible." Said Dr. Mark Chamblin, a former faculty member whose contract was recently not renewed due to his 'questionable views.' "I protested this ridiculous proposal and was harshly criticized for my 'rebellion' against the wisdom of the administration." Said Chamblin. "And so they let me go. I want to expose this horrible plot."

Pensacola Christian College has been criticized over the years for what many
say are 'harsh' and 'legalistic' restrictions upon their students that 'go beyond Scripture.' Some of these rules include restrictions upon what kind of music students may listen to, following detailed requirements for separate entrances to buildings for men and women, prohibiting men and women from walking and talking together on certain parts of the campus, and restricting what students may watch on television or at the movies even if they are with their parents.

"The administration has been pushing this for some time now." Said Chamblin. "Phrases like 'The Student Handbook is perfect and without error' kept coming up over the years. Finally the proposal was made that it ought to be made part of the canon so that the students and parents could no longer question its authority."


Chamblin released what he stated was a portion of the handbook text that has been "translated" from modern English into the language of the King James Version in order to make it, as he stated, "more authoritative."

"A group of professors from the school have been working on 'translating' the handbook for almost a year now." Said Chamblin. "They plan to have the final edition of the Bible ready to be released by the start of Fall 2007 classes."

Members of the P.C.C. administration declined to comment when questioned as to the validity of Chamblin's reports.


28 comments:

B Nettles said...

Waw! or Should I say Vav? I zink zis restrrrrikhtiv too much, dah? Eto kashmar'!

And why aren't they translating it into English Standard Version. Oh, I forgot. That's the one that Calvinists use.

Tominthebox News Network said...

Da!

Eta bolshoi kashmar! Ani prepadavaiyut v King James yazik patamu shto eta tolka pravda Biblia.

-Tom

AJ said...

oh my goodness, I have never laughed so hard in my life...your whole blog is great!

Tominthebox News Network said...

AJ,

Thanks!

-Tom

Reformed Pastor said...

"Some of these rules include restrictions upon what kind of music students may listen to, following detailed requirements for separate entrances to buildings for men and women, prohibiting men and women from walking and talking together on certain parts of the campus, and restricting what students may watch on television or at the movies even if they are with their parents."

Is this for real, or is this part of your satire? (I looked at their website, but you have to order their hand book.)

Tominthebox News Network said...

Reformed Pastor,

That's for real! You can visit www.pensacolachristiancollege.com and find their student handbook in txt format. This is NOT an official website of P.C.C. but is kept up by former disgruntled students.

-Tom

Sewing said...

I believe there is an error there...surely, God in his best Jacobean English voice commanded the students to listen to "the sounds that carry on air upon a modulated frequency eighty-nine and one half."

This is hands down the best parody of KJV-ese I have ever read. KJV parodists usually screw up on the grammar.

I guess the UBS/Nestle-Aland-based version of the Student Handbook would only be about two-thirds as long? (Hint, hint)

Sewing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sewing said...

It's completely unfathomable how this happened, but after Googling, I found this NRSV version of The Book of Music:

1 O, the making of joyous noise brings merriment! [Some ancient authorities: the making of merry noise brings joy to the righteous!] 2 But do not listen to today's music, especially the jazz, rock, or rap of the heathen, 3 nor even folk music. [Some later authorities: music; 4 nor should you rejoice in the music of Nashville, a place from which no good has come.] 5 Cast into the fire any so-called 'Christian' music that sounds even a bit like these kinds of music. 6 Flee these and close your ears wherever you go, so that you will not be mentally tainted. 7 Your radio shall always be tuned to WPCS. [Other ancient authorities: 89.5 FM] 8 If any false station is found among you, cast it away and repent, confessing your sin before the dorm supervisor who will be very angry with you.

AspiringTheologian said...

jmThat's all that free will those Pensacola folks have. The "free will" given by God to "make the choice".

Free Will Song

You can choose heaven or you can choose hell, just don't choose a bad movie.

Victor B. said...

tominthebox news network

Privet, kak dela?
are you learning to speak russian, or you're fluent in it?

Horoshiy website!

Spasibo!

Do svidanie.

Tominthebox News Network said...

Victor,

Far from fluent. I'm still learning right now, but I know enough to get myself in trouble! My wife and I hope to study full-time when we move to St. Petersburg in July of this year.

S Bogom,

-Tom

DT said...

I have friends who used to go to PCC, and based on things they've told me about the rules, your parody is VERY accurate, not to mention hilarious.

Victor B. said...

Russian is my native language,
and I learned English in the USA.

It must be not too easy to learn Russian.
Best wishes!

S Bogom!

Tominthebox News Network said...

Victor,

>It must be not too easy to learn Russian.

There's a saying amongst us trying to learn Russian that we will undoubtedly be speaking Russian in Heaven....because it takes an eternity to learn.

I'll be flying to Moscow March 6th so you can pray that I'll be able to get around. Last time I was there I had a conversation with a young lady at a currency exchange that went something like this...

Me: "Dzrastvitye"
Lady: "Dzrastye"

I hand her a $20 bill.

Me: "Obnimitye pazhalsta" (meant to say 'Obminyaitye pazhalsta)
Lady: Shto?!?

For all you English speakers the problem is that "obnimitye" is an imperative to "hug," while "obminyaitya" is means "exchange."

She was not amused.

-Tom

Sewing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sewing said...

Oh, no! I guess we should just stick to this kind of Russian for now, to avoid any confusion.

All the worse since that directly contravenes Leviticus 18.31-32:

"31 You shall not offer any currency of the land of the Rus for a hug with a person who is a woman who is not your wife. 32 The penalty shall be to offer one goat of speckled fir as an oblation to the LORD." (NAB)

Sewing said...

D'oh! "Fur," not "fir." As far as I know, there are no evergreen goats. Well, there's the NAB for ya: totally unreliable. I'm sure the KJV has Lev 18.32 rendered correctly and without error.

Char said...

This post (and blog) is hilarious! Would that you might fill some of that nagging void left by the loss of purgatorio *sniff*.

This was the icing on the cake:

You can choose heaven or you can choose hell, just don't choose a bad movie.

BWAhahahaha! funny and yet sad at the same time...

Mike said...

Man, your website is just brilliant. But Tom, what happened to the E-Phod post, that was hysterical - well they all are.

I must link to it.

Mike

Tominthebox News Network said...

Mike,

Thanks for the comments. The ePhod post is in the January archives.

-Tom

Al said...

Это было забавно

Al said...

There is another Christian School in Pensacola... It is ummmm... much different.

www.trinitaschristian.org

al sends

ps my wife teaches there :-)

Al said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tominthebox News Network said...

Спасибо!

С Богом,

Томас

B Nettles said...

Okay, how do you do Cyrillic in the comments?

Al said...

пожалуйста

ya ezulchal parusski vMontery California dla odin god...

Oh, I have forgotten so much of my russian...

al sends

Al said...

Oh, and I fixed my profile to work under blogger 2.0. My profile now has my blog on it. :-)

Thanks Dave for pointing it out.

al sends