15 February, 2007

Guard Your Thoughts Against Calvinism with CALVINIX!


From Phinney Pharmaceuticals comes an exciting new product to keep those Reformed thoughts out!

CALVINIX is specially formulated to prevent your brain from absorbing Calvinist and Reformed materials no matter how you may encounter them!

Now with CALVINIX you can...

...go ahead and read John Piper!
...enjoy that book by Spurgeon!
...listen to Alistair Begg without guilt!
...read Ephesians 1 without confusion!
...even attend Westminster Seminary!


And never become a Calvinist!

Better yet, CALVINIX still allows your brain to process and absorb Arminian theology with ease.


CALVINIX creates an invisible barrier around your brain literally dissolving Calvinist theology as it is picked up by your senses, while at the same time enhancing your understanding of Arminianism.

"I can now read Romans 9 without stress!" - Dr. Bob Jones III

"Finally, Spurgeon without guilt!" - Dr. Jack Schaap

"Amazing product! James White, you'll never convince me now!" - Dave Hunt

Only $9.95 + $1.99 s&h

14 comments:

brent said...

At first I thought this was too good to be true. But my pastor recommended that I try it for a time and see if my system could handle a minor dose. I didn’t think anything would ever help my constant headaches, upset stomach, and feelings of hopelessness after reading Romans 9. I was even having difficulty making decisions because if God is in control what does it matter what choices I make. And why do I even need to pray if He knows what I’m going to say and has already determined what is going to happen. But not anymore! Thanks to Calvinix I can have the security of knowing that I am in complete control again. Thanks Calvinix for giving me my life back again!

Reformed Pastor said...

One can only guess what the side effects are. Maybe if one takes too big of dose, it intensifies the belief of free-will so much, it takes Arminianism to it's logical conclusions. In sections like in inerrancy of scripture and open-theism.

AspiringTheologian said...

I had a friend who took some, and nothing seemed to happen for weeks. Then he started running around laughing and screaming about Daisies. Next thing I knew, he had a severe phobia of TULIPS - almost like an allergic reaction. Let's face it, Calvinix has serious side effects.

Rhett said...

Some of my friends must be in this stuff!

RK

Joshua A. Hitchcock said...

Man....NetFinney helps filter our reformed materials online...but when I read the study notes of my reformation study Bible...I can't help but extoling God for unconditional election and particular redemption. Mayby Calvinix will help me filter out sound theology so I too can feel in control again. I sure hope so. Even if the side effects include pelagianism, denying inerrancy, and open theism.

Fred said...

Josh, I've got some bad news. You are to far gone. The makers of Calvinx want you to know that they warn against taking it if you have full blown 5 point Calvinism. There at present is no vaccine, antiboitic, or interveneous way of delivering Calvinix. They don't like to use this word but they are "limited" in what they can do.

pilgrim said...

Oh Dave Hunt doesn't need this--his body seems to automatically generate it, he may even be the source!

Pastor Bob said...

I tried some of these pills, and it was great! I found that I no longer read scripture in context anymore. I was free from understanding scriptures based on the intended meaning. I was now able to use one verse, completely out of context, and close my Bible immediately after quoting it. I also found that I would quote a scripture out of context, but have no clue where it was located in the actual Bible. I knew what I knew, and that is what I was comfortable with. Thank you CALVINIX! Thank you for finally making it all about me.

David said...

Dear Tom,
Now I know what my fiends have been taking! They can say things like "I'm elected, because I selected", or "I was predestined becuse God knew I would choose Him". Without batting an eyelash. They need to know that this is no miracle pill. There are some serious side effects like thinking that they are saved because of their own initiative.

MarieP said...

"I would rather have man-made medicine take away my free will and control my brain than the nasty God of Calvin'" said Dr. "Air Gun" Canner of Lynchmob, VA. "So what if I loose my freedom to think and choose, at least I won't become a Calvinist!"

Q. A. Jones said...

that's funny stuff!

Ben Redeemed said...

Pastor Ben Redeemed
There was times id wake up in a cold sweat. I had nightmares where I was Luke Skywalker and John Piper was Darth Vader tempting me to come over to the Reformed Side.After taking Calvinix now im Darth Vader in my dreams and John Piper is on the run! Thanks Calvinix

Gloria said...

This is hilarious! VERY funny! I sent a link to an arminian friend...

Anonymous said...

Calvinx is SO empowering. Never before could I understand how someone who is "dead" could save themselves but now it mekes pefect logical sense...the dead person just grabs that life preserver! It doesn't matter that life preservers float and dead people sink...they just GRAB IT! I also like the God-like power that Calvinix gives to humans. It is so much more gratifying to my flesh to be in control, rather than dependant. THANKS CALVINIX!