Known for his aggressive, provocative and often controversial style of "preaching," the Rev. Fred Phelps, pastor of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, has found his "ministry" faced with a new problem.
"Everyone except us is irreversibly damned." Said Phelps, "I suppose I'm going to have to start examining some members of our own congregation to see if perhaps I can find anything wrong with them to declare them reprobates."
Phelps' church is notorious for their world-wide pickets of politicians, religious figures, and most controversial of all, the funerals of fallen U.S. soldiers. In addition to pickets, Phelps' congregation maintains numerous websites, the most infamous being godhatesfags.com, and the lesser-known godhatesamerica.com, godhatescanada.com and godhatessweden.com.
Recently, though, Phelps has found himself disheartened with no one left to Anathematize.
"It's just a big downer. Everyone is going to hell except us. I mean, I'm glad they're all going to hell, I just miss telling people that. When we anathematized Canada, Sweden, America, Europe, Africa, Asia, South America, Australia, by default everyone in those countries was declared irreversibly damned. I suppose we should have taken things one city at a time, it would have gone on longer that way."
When this reporter mentioned that he had left out Antarctica, Phelps' eyes brightened. "That's right! All those perverts working at science stations down there!"